CAREER BREAKS: KEEPING ON THE PATH

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Children are not the greatest career moves. Having them means that you are entering another world in which your once important career does not seem so important any more. Many parents do take a career break to bring up their children and wish to return to work at some point, especially now as a new school year has begun. But once off the career path it can be hard to find it again.

NO MORE GUARANTEED JOBS
The world of work has changed. Parental leave gives parents guaranteed rights to return to the same (or similar) job after an agreed period of leave (up to twenty-six weeks for each child). In this way parents, usually the mother, can resume their careers with little interruption. Others may wish to take a longer career break, staying at home with their children usually until nursery or school age. This could last years and in the past such a move was viewed as career suicide; but in the modern world of work, it can in fact be regarded as career freedom.

Having children is a momentous event that can change everything. Once they have arrived, everything is different. Plans that have been made to return to work can go out of the window. Carefully structured career plans can be dropped in a second. Yet at some point you have to consider you future and ask yourself: what do I want to do? Do I return to work or stay with the children? Do I want to change jobs or do I even want to change careers? The world has opened up.

THE MISSING LADDER
Modern careers are different from the career paths of a generation ago. Then, there was a set career ladder to follow. You rose up within the company, your position being determined by experience and time served. Those days have long gone and now you have to build career self-reliance. It is up to the individual to have a specific career plan and follow it.

The ladder has gone, being replaced by a more complicated road map, where moving sideways is as valuable as moving up, and hopping from job to job is no longer frowned upon. The key to your future is in your hands; it is up to you to see and take opportunities, to apply for training and network with potential contacts. If you do not take action, no one else will do it for you.

When you are taking a career break to bring your children up, it will serve you well to cultivate this attitude of career self-reliance. It is always useful to make the decision about how much time you are taking off early on, but usually that is hardly ever possible; having children is too big an event. You should have some idea before the end of your maternity leave or within the first year of returning to work if you want to continue working or not. If you do decide to have an extended career break, there are a few things you can do to help you resume you career.

Firstly, know yourself. What are your talents and interests? What are you good at and what do you want to be good at? Keep a record of all your skills that you have built up inside and outside of your career. Keep revisiting and revising your CV. Do not wait to start it only when you are actively looking to return to work. Keep an eye out for training opportunities to boost your skills (and escape the house).

This is a time where you can decide what you really want to do. If your old career was not fulfilling, you can now start considering a new one. The time off spent with your children has given you a freedom and a perspective that you never had when you were stuck behind a desk in the office.

KEEPING IN TOUCH
If you wish to remain within your old career, keep in touch and build up a relationship with the industry. Use websites and newsletters to learn about new developments and to know what skills to update. Keep a network of old work colleagues to give you a personal viewpoint and to inform you of opportunities. If you can, consider working part-time within your old career or working part-time from home. This can help to ease you back into the working world and build up confidence. You can move from job to job until you find the right one; job-hopping, once looked down upon, is now perceived as a positive attribute.

Taking time out to raise children no longer spells the end of your career, but can be a new beginning. How you use that new beginning is entirely up to you.

A DEPT-FREE CHRISTMAS

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Christmas is over and the house is full of empty bottles, half-eaten turkey and broken toys. You are trying to clear your mind and body for the next festive shock of New Year’s Eve and the financial desert that is January. A study from the Norwich Union reveals that by the 9th of January the average family is likely to have run out of money.

FAMILIES IN DEPT
They believe that the failure to manage finances over festive season, combined with an early December pay day, will see many families in debt almost before the year has begun. Their research suggests that more than 40 million people will be forced to either dip into savings, get a loan or rely on their credit cards to bridge the gap until January’s pay day. For many this is the longest month, with 43 per cent of respondents maintaining that it is the most stressful time of the year; a worrying 19 per cent do not even expect to have enough money to pay December’s household bills.

These figures seem very daunting and it is tempting to take the traditional way out by having another drink and not worrying until the bills come tumbling through your letterbox. Yet there are five easy steps you can take to control your Christmas finances and avoid the January Blues.

FIRSTLY
Start saving early: we know Christmas is coming; it is on the same day every year. It is simple things can have the most effect, so in January open up a separate Christmas bank account and use direct debit to put money into it every month.

SECONDLY
Create a budget. Write down how much the family will spend on each other, on relatives and friends, then total it up and work backwards from Christmas to see how much you have to save each week in order to have enough. This can really motivate you to start saving early.

Remember that Christmas expenses don’t stop at presents; there are also parties, meals and travel, including taxis home when you’ve had too much to drink at the office party. In your budget, plan for these extras. You’re likely to be spending more as the children are at home on holiday for nearly three weeks. Also, travel between all those relatives can be expensive, especially with rising fuel prices. And remember the expense of Christmas dinner and all those New Year parties. The normal everyday bills, like rent and mortgage, do not magically disappear over Christmas and you do want some money left over for the January sales.

THIRDLY
Stick to your budget. If you have budgeted to spend £10 per head, do not spend £20 or you will be in debt. With children, plan to buy the things that you think they will need and really want. Christmas can be an overwhelming time for them, with presents coming at them form all directions. Buy sensibly and do not be tempted by last-minute impulse buys or you could have hundreds of pounds worth of broken toys by Boxing Day.

It is important to be honest with yourself, your family and others about what you can afford. Spending £40 on a gift when you only have £10 is not being truthful, and it is only going to hurt you. Most people you are buying gifts for would want you to give from your heart, rather than spending huge amounts of money that you do not have.

FOURTHLY
Give the best (not necessary the most expensive) gifts you need to know about the recipient. Listen to what they talk about for clues as to what they are interested in, and don’t get drawn into sales hype. They probably don’t really want a pair of cartoon socks or a picture frame.

FINALLY
Be proactive and shop early. Having your budget in mind gives you more time to think about what to buy everyone, and gives you more opportunities to catch things on sale or buy online knowing that you will have the presents in time for Christmas. If you plan to travel over the holidays, look for early offers on plane and train tickets. Christmas sales are now starting much earlier, if you want to join the masses, but for a quiet life shop early before the crowds descend.

THE LONG GOOD NIGHT

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The nights are drawing in and it is cold outside. Christmas will soon be upon us. There are many temptations and distractions during this festive season. This is why it is important to establish a bedtime routine for your children: a good routine that caters for the well-being of the parents as well as that of the child.


STRESS AT BEDTIME
Bedtime can be a difficult time. Children are tired out from the activities of the day, the dark nights see them cooped up in the house all evening. Parents are shattered after a long and maybe very stressful day parenting or working. This is a demanding time for all concerned as energy levels are low and stress levels high. It should be the best time of the day with all the family together, but often it is not. For many, bedtime can become really stressful as hopes of a peaceful evening are lost amidst the tantrums and tears.

Parents need to have some peace in the evening for themselves, whether to relax after a hard day at the office or simply to get some childfree time. For many couples the evening is the only time they have together. It should be precious ‘us’ time, a reward for long hours of toil, a time to look after themselves and meet their own needs. This period of self-care is essential; it restores energy levels and increases self-esteem. Time given to yourself is as important as time given to your children. Yet many seem to spend this part of the evening responding to one crisis after another.


CREATING A ROUTINE
A bedtime routine of bathing, tucking in and story-telling can create this essential parental time. With a carefully worked-out schedule, both parent and child will know what should be happening and when. Make time when you are not tired and write out a schedule. Do it when you are in a positive frame of mind and ask your child to help so it becomes teamwork. Think about its content and structure, breaking it down into small achievable actions.

Think about the goals and outcomes that you want for you and your children. One of your goals could be to build in ‘me time’, like time to watch television or do something that you enjoy. Another could be creating space for that personal one-to-one time with your child before they go to sleep. Plan and delegate responsibilities between yourself, your partner and your children. Make sure it is a win-win situation in which everyone gains.

When you are planning this schedule, take into account your frame of mind during that time of evening. If you are generally tired and stressed, you may be negative towards your children. Be aware of this and the importance of speaking to your children in positive terms. Ask yourself, ‘What can I do to be more positive at this time?’ Is there some reward you can give yourself or small breaks where you can catch your breath? Be creative.


BEDTIME ROUTINES
Routines only work if you stick with them. This might prove difficult at first, as it is with anything new, but after a while it will just become... routine. After a while you will start seeing results for you and your children. With the long winter nights, do not be tempted to alter this routine by putting the children to bed earlier. Whatever you do, do not send your child early to bed as a punishment. Bedtime should be associated with positive actions, not negative ones; the bedroom should be a welcoming place. Every so often you can break the routine as a treat, especially as Christmas is approaching, but do not make a habit of it or you could lose all the benefits gained.

After a few weeks, review the schedule to see if it is working. Look at the positive gains and ask: is there any way it could be improved? Can you see a way of creating more time for yourself? Remember: staying with something that is only partially working can become a huge energy drain. Do not be afraid of changing it if you have to.

With thought and planning, bedtime does not have to be an energy-draining time. A routine can give stability for your child, and it also gives you, the parents, a time and space to themselves. A time to build up energy for the hectic festive season ahead.

PRAISE YOUR CHILD, IT IS GOOD FOR YOU

Praise works wonders. It works wonders on you. Think how you feel when your manager pulls you to one side and tells you how good the report you just produced was, or if someone you know just tells you how attractive you are. You feel different, light-headed, more confident. In that moment you are a changed person. That memory remains and in years to come you can call on it to give you a little lift.

It is the same with your child, but on a much deeper level. The child is still forming, discovering its own external and internal world. What you say counts and praise can become the building block of this new person’s future confidence and self-esteem. They are learning a fundamental thing: what is right as opposed to what is wrong.

PRAISE THE BEHAVIOUR
It is always quicker in the heat of the moment to be negative, to shout or just use a put-down. Praise needs a bit more thought, and creative thought at that. Notice what your child is doing well and praise it. Praise the behaviour that you want to instil in your child and praise the values you would like them to uphold. It is here that they are learning right from wrong. When your child is misbehaving find the one thing they are doing right and give them praise. This reward of praise is positive words and deeds, which are enough for the child. Do not try to buy them off with material things. Reinforcing the positive and not the negative is also very important. Be sincere in your praise, for even a very young child can spot insincerity. Remember you can never fool a four-year-old.

Also remember to spread your praise, it is like spreading happiness. If another child is doing something well, praise them too; your child can see them as examples to follow and, by doing so, get into your good books. They are learning from their peers.

USEFUL TIP
Here is a really useful tip. Your child might not necessarily believe what you say to them, but they will always believe what is said about them. Tell other people what they have done well and when your child hears praise from (for them) an unbiased source, their behaviour will be reinforced. Little Ginny, having put all her toys away, will be pleased with the praise from mummy, but will be doubly pleased when she hears mummy tells auntie and trebly pleased when auntie tells her how good she has been. An adult analogy might be when you are at work and your boss says well done, you shrug it off – maybe he wants something. But when a colleague says the same thing, you think, ‘Well I must be good then’.

Giving praise is like saying thank you, it is a habit and all habits can be learned. Can you learn to give praise? Well, the first step is to be aware. Be aware when you are being negative and when you are being positive. Be aware of what type of praise you are giving, how much and how often. A way to build up this awareness is to keep a Praise Diary. Use an old exercise book and, taking a few minutes at the end of the day, note down when you praised your child, how you praised them and to whom you praised them. This is an exercise for you, not your child. It is for you to learn this new habit, so be honest with yourself. After a couple of weeks look back and see what has changed. By writing your actions down you will have become more aware and a habit will begin to form. Keep the diary for a few more weeks and the habit will become embedded. As a parent you will feel happier praising than damning.

GIVING AND RECEIVING
The diary is a record of what you are doing and will show you that you are praising and rewarding good behaviour more than you thought you were. If in doubt, just step back and remember how important receiving praise is to your own self-esteem. We all, adults and children, act well when people think well of us. Giving and receiving sincere praise is a way of improving all our lives.

ARE YOU GOOD ENOUGH?

Parents today think that they are not good enough. They feel overwhelmed by magazine articles, books, radio and television programmes telling them what they are doing is wrong. To be a parent is to feel permanently guilty.

A few months ago I caught an edition of Woman’s Hour on the radio, where nutritionists were worrying that today’s mothers only knew how to cook nine dishes, and were concerned about the effect that this limited culinary range might have on the development of their children. These experts were countered by another guest, the comedian Annabella Weir, who proudly admitted that she only knew how to cook four dishes and saw these new pronouncements as yet another stick to beat parents with.

Parents seemingly cannot do anything right. In the eyes of the media everything they do is wrong. They are bombarded by reports and experts telling them what they should do. Some say they should ignore their baby’s cries, others that they must respond to their child’s every murmur. Some say starting nursery early will help children’s development, others claim this will impair it.. All say children should have boundaries, and then fundamentally disagree where those boundaries should be. To be a parent is to feel guilty all the time about your own perceived inadequacies and the suspicion that you are making the wrong choice against the often contradictory advice pumped out by the parental advice industry. It can seem so overwhelming.

Every view is met by a counter view from an equally qualified expert or prestigious organization. Every month a piece of a new scientific research appears showing that something you believed was right now turns out to be wrong. Even where there seems to be universal agreement, such as the efficacy of breast feeding, mothers who cannot breast feed feel inadequate and guilty for letting their child down. Nothing you do can ever seem right.

This may appear to be a very twenty-first century phenomenon, but in fact it is very ancient, as old as parenthood itself. Family histories always have tales of battling grandparents and in-laws offering new parents often contradictory advice based on their own experiences of child rearing. Parenthood has always been a battleground of competing ideas and experience and the inexperienced can be left confused and downhearted.

Do parents have to feel bad all the time? In Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP) there is the concept that everyone does the best they can with the materials and knowledge that they have at that time. Parents do the best they can with the information they have, decisions are made for the right reasons at the time and can be changed when better reasons are offered. We all act in good faith, but can feel unsettled when new information causes us to reflect back on our actions. Hindsight can be a torturous vision, imposing present knowledge on past decisions and leaving us finding ourselves wanting. The past cannot be changed and these feeling of guilt can be ameliorated by admitting to yourself that you were doing the best you could in the circumstances you found yourself in.

Donald Winnicott, whose pioneering research in the 1950s into the developmental relationship between mother and baby, forms the basis of much of our present understanding of child development. He believed in the ‘Good-enough mother’, who meets the child’s needs, yet gives it enough space to allow it to develop, as opposed to the ’Perfect mother’, who obsessively meets the child’s needs, giving it no space to develop. (Unfortunately, this research was from the 1950s, when fathers were not yet seen as important for the early development of the child.) This developmental space occurs in the mistakes a mother might make, allowing herself and the child to learn. Being ‘good enough’ allows for failures and mistakes and it is only through these perceived shortcomings that learning occurs.

Experts offer advice and parents can take and learn from them in a guilt free environment. Yet sometimes it does feel as if there is a glut of experts weighing down upon parents, constantly telling them that they are not good enough. Parents should not be deterred. Stand up and shout, ‘We are good enough.’